Missed Dose

posted 2nd Jan 2018, 12:00 AM

Missed Dose
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2nd Jan 2018, 12:00 AM

Wildflowers

I'm going to level with you, I am tired. Basically all the time. Doing this thing that I do, being who I am, being in the position I am, it is so tiring. I want to go to sleep. I miss my mental illness, and that is very seriously messed up in its own right. At least then, I had reason to feel tired and depressed. Maybe I still have it and that is why I feel this way? I don't know. I just came back from my parents from Christmas, where I had no responsibility. I didn't have to be on my guard, I didn't have to impress anybody. But I still can't relax. It is a constant 'why am I not doing more'. It is hard, you know? I wish I could do what Annie is doing. But she isn't me. We aren't the same, and we don't feel the same. There is a lot of me in there, and there used to be a lot more of me in there, but there isn't any more. Now, I am trying to figure out what makes me happy. At the moment, that is nothing. In time, sure, I will find it. Will I ever find it? Who knows. I don't even know why I am writing this. Probably because I am about to stumble drunkenly off to McD to write this comic (Nov batch 1, skeletal 12 written, 6 projected). It isn't cold out, but it is colder than going to bed. So why do I do it? Honestly, why? I save a life every month or two. Is that a good thing? Are the people I am saving worth saving? Would they be better gone? I don't know how people actually continue to be people. I know, normal people don't feel this way. They don't identify with lifelong depression and yearning to actually be something real. Every person I save, they probably go on to live actual happy lives. So why can't I? My life is good. Isn't it? I don't know. I probably need a three fingered therapist in a wheelchair. Not that they would be able to figure me out. None of them ever do. I can't be that hard to figure out, can I? I wish I knew. I truly do.

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